I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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