I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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