I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
