the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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