So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
