i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
