wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
