accomplished twins. life is a go
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
