I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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