Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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