I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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