who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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