Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
