his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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