I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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