you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
