Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
