So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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