i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
