if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
