apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
