Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
