I love black thongs
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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