I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
