he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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