In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
