Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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