that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
