Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
