Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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