i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
