You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
