Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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