What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I checked into jail on foursquare
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
