I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
