i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
