my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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