This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
