I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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