so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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