Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
