I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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