Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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