You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
