I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
