I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
