I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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