I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
