He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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