If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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