She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
