Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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