I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
